Author: rutamazelis

Unless you are a multibillionaire without a conscience, these are challenging days for you. The past three weeks feel surreal. I have worked, fed myself and the critters, and raged, wept, called members of congress, supported beloved friends whose lives are already greatly impacted by cruelty… raged some more. Someone wrote that if you are not currently incredibly stressed then you are not conscious. Or perhaps they said lacking a conscience.

All this to make the point that these are intensely challenging times. Many are struggling to cope as well as act. As the gains that many of us worked for over the past decades are being eradicated moment by moment what can we do? And how to tend to ourselves in these moments and days, weeks, months to come?

Where to turn for ideas on survival, action, empowerment and connection? I suggest we turn here. To the survivors. You are reading a page on a website for people living with self-injury, the need for Self-Directed Violence (SDV). If you are a scarred person, I know that you understand pain. Not only the pain that comes with cutting, burning, punching or other variations of SDV, but the pain that leads to needing to cut, burn, punch. If you are reading this then you have survival skills. They might have been judged by others, or by the psychiatric industry. They might be celebrated by some. You might have kept much of your survival secret. SDV is one way people cope with what is overwhelming in the moment. It is one way of managing pain. It works for a while. Therefore it brings us an opportunity to heal. If we survive we can heal. First we survive.

I survived the pain deep inside my bones and spirit until I could begin to heal it. I have decades of experience in survival. Fewer decades of healing. I am living a life I could not have imagined possible. Not without challenges or pieces that still feel broken. However, I no longer feel broken. I acknowledge my strength. If we consider the causes of our pain let us consider how strong we are to have survived it thus far. Let us have faith in ourselves that we have power, even if others do not see or acknowledge our strength. I believe that doing so will provide us a base of wisdom and confidence as we live in the midst of uncertainty. We have been through shit before.

There is a 100 mile race (the Leadville 100 mile run) whose race director speaks before the start of the run and tells the runners “You are stronger than you think you are. You can do more than you think you can.” While I found those words inspiring, and true, for finishing ultramarathons they are also true elsewhere in life. We are survivors. If we sit in the truth of what it has taken to survive, often leading to our scars, can we choose pride rather than shame? What pain drove you to the knife? The pain that felt intolerable. Yet you are here. Whether you are bleeding or not you are here. You are stronger than you think you are. Please know this. And you are not alone. We are stronger than we think we are.

Attached picture is of the beings that are my place of peace. They don’t know the current mess that humans are caught up in. They are all survivors. And pretty strong.

I didn’t cut, burn or punch myself today. So I did not need Self-Directed Violence (SDV). I did, however, put a significant dent into a pile of junk food. And I don’t believe I am quite done with that yet. Perhaps brownies for dinner later…

Today was a painful day for me and millions, if not billions, of people in the United States as well as around the globe. Although I am in a significant minority where I live, I cannot believe that a man known for arrogance, entitlement, brutality, threats, theft and sexual assault will have much to offer that will evolve people forward. I have pondered how not to live in sorrow, outrage and a sense of helplessness today. I have some ideas. I like them. Returning here is one of them.

I teach that connection and empowerment create opportunities for healing from trauma. The consequences of surviving trauma include the need for SDV to cope for many people. SDV remains mostly misunderstood and people who live with self-injury do not often have a safe place to come. My passion to create safe places for us had softened over the past years. I have been doing this work for over three decades. I wandered into another career that has me busy and excited. And then the election. Enough said.

I am inspired. I need you. I need a community and a sense of action. I have many concerns, nationally and globally, for people who are survivors of trauma when a person who is a predator has gained such a position of power. May this be a place of safety.

I have begun writing “the book.” It is in pieces and parts and will be a long journey. Now is the time to come back here though. I hope that this reawakening here is useful to you. It is to me. Activism is an antidote to despair. Anger shared is powerful. Sorrow is divided when pain has a place to sit safely. I have little idea what the future holds but I highly doubt it will be more accepting and understanding of those who live with SDV. So let that inspire us to action to be there for ourselves, each other, and those in the future who are the survivors.

The most frequent question I hear when asked to consult with mental health professionals on this topic of Self-Directed Violence (SDV) is not “Why do people do this to themselves?” It is “How do we make them stop?” And the question usually has a sense of frustration and urgency. I get it. People who appear to “turn on themselves” upset the people around them, most of the time. This applies to family, friends, physicians and mental health clinicians. If you want to see intense drama see how self-injury is portrayed on crime or drama television.

Of course I do not believe that healing can occur without understanding the reasons SDV exists in a person’s life. If we comprehend that SDV serves a purpose, often survival, then we acknowledge the complexity of the task of healing and creating supportive environments. More on this next post…

The challenge is to avoid falling into the trap of “we will discover the why when the behavior is gone.” My interpretation of this is: we can intellectually discuss the reasons for self-harm when we are emotionally comfortable because it has been stopped. The priority is eliminating the behavior, regardless of the thoughts and opinions of the person who lives with the SDV.

My belief on coercion to stop someone from SDV has always been clear – I oppose all forms of coercion and see them as compounding a person’s trauma rather than promoting healing. Coercion disconnects and disempowers people who likely already have limited choices.

Yet it appears that coercion, punishment, “works” to stop self-harm, right? There are multiple ways people are punished for self-injuring. In the mental health and criminal justice worlds people are often restrained, physically and/or chemically, or locked into seclusion rooms. For decades a “therapeutic” approach to institutionalized children who self-injured was to punish them with an electric shock for their behavior. Those are the most blatant responses. It is not uncommon for those living with SDV to be subjected to other forms of punishment. People who are institutionalized are threatened with loss of “privileges” if they don’t stop self-injuring. Others are told that they will not be able to continue with their therapist if they don’t “stop it.”

What if these approaches work and the person stops SDV? Is this a victory? What is the cost of this success? Is this a permanent solution? What are the thoughts of those who have experienced these measures?

For decades I have born witness to the stories of those who have directly experienced these sorts of manipulations and coercions. What I heard validated my own experiences, as a former clinician and a person who has lived with SDV. When I was threatened to change, or when I threatened people myself (although this was considered both therapeutic and billable), I knew this was harmful, oftentimes cruel. I think most of you agree?

What is the acceptable cost of attempting to force change on a person? Consider the less direct forms of self-harm that are common. In the US, and increasingly other countries, we are in the midst of an “epidemic” of obesity. Our health care system has labeled this a disease. So should it be treated by force? To what length should I go to wrestle that donut or cheeseburger away from you if you are “one of those heavy people”? Does shaming you make you stop? How would it impact our friendship if I told you that I would not continue to be friends if you didn’t lose weight? Should you be forced to have a gastric bypass? Forcibly injected with Ozempic or any of the other new drugs that promote weight loss? Even if you said that would not be what you want?

No. None of those options are useful. Even if the behavior is harmful to you. The difference is that unhealthy eating, food addiction for some, is behavior many of us can understand, even if we ourselves don’t do it. And while we see it’s impacts on people I don’t think we as a society think the majority of us should be coerced into changing. Nor that it would work. This epidemic of obesity is a complex issue.

What is fascinating is that the consequences of obesity are more dire than the consequences of SDV. Cutting, burning, punching oneself can result in wounds, bruises and scars. Even broken bones. Rarely do people cause long term damage. The most intense forms of self-harm (people who do severe damage to themselves such as blind themselves) happen when people are trying to survive in restricted environments. And they have survived extreme attempts to coerce them to change. Think about how people live in seclusion in prison or state hospitals… beyond brutal.

What are the personal and societal costs of obesity, an issue that should concern all of us? They are profound – misery, chronic illness, disability, perhaps death. There is much to be learned about trauma, addiction, economics, nutrition and harmful social norms right? Let’s do that work, create healing environments. Let’s learn from what we scarred people teach – that we will not heal ourselves, our communities nor our society by shaming, blaming, excluding or coercing anyone. For some of us our scars are blatantly obvious. Those of you whose scars are hidden, I hope this provides you with some food for thought. When is punishment a helpful response?

I no longer make a commitment to publish regularly as every time I do the gap between posts gets longer. Yikes.

That said, join with me to send the warmth of your heart out into wherever those we love travel to when they die. We have lost Peg Wood. I am deeply saddened and at the same time lovingly moved by all that she gave to many of us survivors. Forever grateful. The past two posts were focused on her wisdom. Please take a moment to cherish her.

Today’s post is brief but, I believe, critical. An article, by Rob Wipond published May 20, 2023, in the Mad in America newsletter, caught my attention. The title “Psychiatric Detentions Rise 120% in first year of 988: As contacts to the new 988 hotline have risen, so have call tracing and police interventions.” It seems the new suicide prevention hotline contact number has resulted in an increased number of contacts. This is greatly promoted by clinicians and the general public as helpful. And it likely is. But…

What is not typically mentioned is the risk callers take when reaching out for support. It is not made apparent that the person you are speaking with has the power to contact your local authorities, who then can find you and have your forcibly taken to a psychiatric facility. This is a bit tricky as it is stated that the support person doesn’t have you committed. It goes unsaid that they contact those who can.

This is critical information as people who live with Self-Directed Violence (SDV) are at great risk of being coerced, restrained, committed. Sometimes because SDV is confused with a suicide attempt, sometimes because people are disturbed or repulsed by the behavior and don’t understand it.

What to do if you want support but fear having police come to your home or place of work, risk being hauled away to a facility, lose your freedom? My thought, and I hope to learn what you think, is… don’t mention self-injury. Be aware that not all conversations are safe to have. Perhaps keep certain struggles private and ponder what you would like to have support for, whether it is a memory, feeling, or situation that is causing you distress. Many of us have done this for decades as the world of psychiatry is late in understanding our histories of trauma and how SDV helps us survive. Until the day that they do… I encourage us to be cautious. And in the meantime we will keep educating those willing to learn.

As I thought about what creates opportunities for healing, and what I want this space to be… I remembered the words my mentor Peg (nicknamed Yoda, please see previous post) used: “sacred space.”

Sacred space can be a place or a moment when a small or large miracle of intimacy can happen, when something forbidden – a secret, a flashback – can find the light of day, and is witnessed by another person and is not judged – simply witnessed, allowed to be.

The Cutting Edge newsletter was, and this website and blog space are, intended to be sacred spaces. All I have learned in over three decades of listening, teaching, and then listening some more rests on the ground of safety and acceptance. How can we heal or take risks if we do not believe that we have a place of safety somewhere as refuge? If we do not have a sense of being understood, accepted? For those who live with Self-Directed Violence (SDV) these spaces might be rare, or even initially nonexistent. That is not because of how “insane” self-injury is but because of how intensely it is reacted to by others (including many mental health professionals). That is why this journey of mine started not with professionals but with people who understood me… people who have lived with their own SDV.

I first organized a workshop space for people living with self-injury in 1988. Yup, that long ago. My only promise was that there would be no coercion, no calling of police or restraining or sending off to psych hospitals. People were free to come and go, speak or not speak, feel whatever they felt. Not a complex thing. But for me and those who joined me that first time together it was revolutionary. For most of us it was our first experience of sacred space.

So, as I continue with these posts and developing the web site and writing the book… I invite you to feel welcomed here… and hopefully at least a tiny bit safe.

Upset by my repeated failed attempts to revitalize this website and blog I turned to be beloved friend, mentor, and person I call “family” for her wisdom. I did not expect to hear what I did. Peg (who I nicknamed Yoda 30 years ago because of her calm compassionate wisdom) said “write the book.” She asked me to promise that I would write a book about this journey of mine and what I have learned and taught and hope for.

I couldn’t say no to her. Maybe the only person I could make this promise to. So the blog posts that follow will be the gathering of the bits and pieces of… a forthcoming book. Your wisdom, thoughts and encouragement would be greatly appreciated.

Today I will start with a short excerpt from The Cutting Edge, from Winter of 2001. The editorial was titled “Words from the Wise: An interview with Margaret Wood.” Peg. Therapist, mentor, teacher.

My first question to her was: How do you go about asking clients about Self-Inflicted Violence (SIV)?

Her answer: At intake I ask a new client about cutting and other forms of SIV in the same tone as I ask about anything else, such as alcohol use. If they say they live with SIV I ask how much and how often and if the know what it’s about. I say that the reason that I ask is because I am familiar and comfortable with it. Sometimes that acceptance will bring an admission of living with SIV. Then it can be addressed just as anything else. I may be asked when cutting will stop. I reply: “You’ll stop when you’re ready.”

The way to healing is having a safe place to be real, be understood, even if you do not understand yourself all that well. How often does that occur for people who live with self-injury? Peg created such a place. It is my intention that this be another.

Thoughts?

A friend sent me this quotation recently and I have been pondering it. Wisdom. Wisdom that calls for compassion. Compassion for people when you are uncomfortable with how they survive. Especially when you want their behavior to change, to go away.

Tomorrow I have the opportunity to spend three hours with mental health professionals on the topic of trauma and self-directed violence (SDV). It is a privilege to have people give me their time and attention, whether in person or online. It has been a challenge to teach online. I am fortunate in that many of the people who take my courses say they find them useful. That said, there has been one comment that keeps coming around often and I will improve my teaching tomorrow to address it up front.

The comment is that clinicians want specific actions to take to facilitate stopping SDV. We discuss the traumatic origins of the suffering that leads some people to find relief, even if temporary, in SDV. I teach that the principles of trauma-informed care, connection and empowerment, are the answers to the question. People turn to SDV for multiple reasons. For some, SDV is an all-purpose tool to manage the intense repercussions of trauma. One cannot simply force oneself, nor another person, to not need SDV. Interventions that are based on coercion, i.e. tying people down, might temporarily stop the behaviors of SDV, but not the need. Adding more trauma in never a successful answer.

So tomorrow I will offer a simple and very powerful answer: “You cannot punish the pain out of people.” And then the conversation moves on to how we help people understand and release their pain, and create environments that best support doing so…

That phrase, chanted for decades, has now increased in popularity. Heard for decades during protest marches for reproductive freedom, it is now being chanted by people demanding freedom from mask requirements during the coronavirus pandemic.

“My body, my choice!” “My body, my choice!” “My body, my choice!”

Where have we not heard this? In a march for freedom for those who live with self-directed violence. Hm… It is to the point, isn’t it? Appropriate. It is what I have been arguing and advocating for, for decades.

Why have we not marched, chanting and waving our scarred arms? I can think of two answers. We are at great risk if we expose ourselves as scarred people. One, if we are identified by our scars we might be subjected to a psychiatric label. Or as simply “gross” or “crazy.” That can have some brutal outcomes. There is a reason most people keep their lives with self-directed violence secret.

If we are labeled because of doing what we do to our own bodies we run the greater risk, more than being judged. We find ourselves vulnerable to losing a vast amount of choice. If a person working in the biopsychiatric industry wants to, they can choose to commit someone “for their own good.” Commitment is the use of force in an attempt to control someone. Living with self-directed violence leaves us vulnerable to losing our freedom and potentially our jobs and more if we are labeled “a threat of harm to self.” Right? For years I published the words and artwork of the harm done by the institutionalization of people who are doing their best to tend to their own needs. That is the purpose of self-directed violence – it is a way of solving a problem in the moment. Are their more destructive ways people cope? Yes. They are not typically reacted to in the same way. The greatest harm I experienced from my life with self-directed violence wasn’t the damage I did to my body. It was the losses and brutality I experienced in the psychiatric system. Where there was very little choice.

My body. My choice. What do you say?

I know that this is, rather simply, another day in our lives. But on our calendar it signals a new beginning. I have never heard more people eagerly celebrate the end of a year more than the end of 2020. Does the virus care? No. Do I care? You bet.

As I am sure is true for you, 2020 was filled with sorrow, challenges, deep concerns, and a serving or two of outrage. My commitment to keeping this blog active lasted a while, then faded as I gave my energies to the challenges of the times. I felt rather guilty about that. That means I made myself miserable, more so than needed. 2020 was a wild ride. I have horses, so I know about wild rides!

I have been very fortunate. 2020 ended, for me, with solutions to my personal challenges, improving health and now, a renewed focus on the work I cherish. I’ve come back home, to here.

That said, I truly am tired of my multiple stops and starts. So I have done the unthinkable, or what used to be unthinkable. I have asked for help. That is an “OMG” sort of challenge for me. I have received help. I am delighted, grinning from ear to ear, to say that I now have a crew of people to help with this site. Today I want to introduce you to one of them. Without her there would be no site as she is the one who initially designed it and is now on board with taking me through the development of this web site and keeping me on track. When I get overwhelmed, which happens often, instead of shutting down the computer and getting a bowl of ice cream I will now get in touch with Kristen.

Kristen and I name each other “sister,” we were born to different parents but that is irrelevant. She knows brutal grief and loss, she has wisdom and a deep heart. And she has computer talents!

Here is a picture from the best of my world, people and critters that bring me joy and comfort. Thank you Kristen, the team of Ruta and Cloudd celebrate and thank you. I let him do the smooching…

I wish everyone a Happy New Year,

Ruta

I have no idea who is reading these words, yet I am presuming that you have had some challenges lately.  A global pandemic, cultural transformation, economic challenges, many of us are living in stressful times.  I’ve been away from this site in part because of them and in part because of personal, individual challenges.  I’ve had some intense days, ya know?  I think you do.  I have been busy with decisions, actions and emotions.  Taking my beautiful dog through his last days.  Needing to move two of my horses rather urgently and creatively and courageously asking for help, taking out a loan, and partnering to build them a new and peaceful home (and learning some carpentry).  Being a witness to overwhelming fears of one friend, and the inconsolable grief of another.  Preparing to attend the memorial of a young man who was greatly loved and died suddenly before witnessing the birth of his first child. Intense times.

I have been frightened, joyful, outraged, grateful, despairing, joyful, grieving so deeply I sit and rock myself.  I have asked for help, gone silent, had some sleepless nights and some shaking fears and shaking courageous choices as well.  I have turned to comfort foods and watched videos in the middle of the night.  I’ve felt unable to focus on work and overworked on other days.  My home is a mess and my pants are too tight.  And I’ve had some of my unfinished past rise up and present itself for healing.  I took on some of that work and postponed the rest.  But the chunk I’ve worked on has freed me.

Sounds like life, right?  Mine, perhaps yours in these nonboring times?  One thing I have not done is cut, burn or beat myself.  If it were not for getting back to writing here I might not even have recognized that.  Someone recently asked me to define what a “self-injurer in recovery” looks like.  I replied that I don’t make those definitions for others.  I can only speak for myself.  That was not the reply they were expecting, nor desiring.  I knew I was supposed to say that I had stopped the personal “destruction.”  Yet that is not how I see this.

I have not needed to turn to Self-Directed Violence (SDV) to cope lately.  That is all.  Am I recovered?  I don’t know.  I don’t care.  I used the tools I had, and the ones I needed, to get through moments of hell, times that felt insurvivable except that I found ways to survive.  For decades that included SDV.  And now for decades it has not.  Does that make me recovered?  Not to me.  It makes me less likely to be shunned or psychiatrically incarcerated I suppose.  I am now more broke, chunkier, sore than I was 6 months ago.  I am also stronger and wiser and more compassionate and hopeful.  Life stuff.

My stronger, wiser, more compassionate and hopeful self.  If I had to use some sort of definition to describe healing (I don’t care for the word “recovery”) I would use the previous sentence.  And it wouldn’t matter to me if I was still cutting.  Just because my ways of coping are now more typical and societally acceptable they are what they are.  And my previous ways of coping are… what they are.  Perhaps the most powerful recent lesson for me is that judging how we cope can keep us muddled down.  As long as we are not dead yet we can heal.  We can decide to define the term for ourselves.  There is great power in that.  Or so I’ve realized in these weeks that I’ve been away.  We are stronger than we think we are.  We can pursue peace, freedom, justice, health, joy… how do you define healing?  Or if you like the word “recovery” how do you define that?  Is it useful to you to judge your emotions, your actions?  Why are you still here?  What matters to you?  Does living with SDV hold you back, keep you going, both?

These are transformational times, globally and locally.  Are they personally?  I’ve been in the thick of challenges lately.  They have been well met.  And that is not because I haven’t “lived with SDV.”  Who knows, someday I may decide I need the knife again to get by for some reason.  That would not be a failure.  To me.  What do you say, about you???